Never ending acne battle

Warning: graphic pictures

 Originally written 3 years  ago…
 

i'm 22. i thought i already passed my puberty... i guess not.

i've been suffering from acne for 3 years now.

i know, it's just 3 years and some even suffers having acne  more  than half of their lives. but this acne already took 3 years form me and i did not just sit down and do nothing about it.

and i know, i'm not alone with this battle against acne. most of us suffered and still suffering from this "acne curse".

my mom sent  me to skin clinic months after i got my period. my mom also suffered from acne during her puberty and she doesn't want me to experience that. that's why she invested on "the prevention" of acne invasion.

my skin is not perfect. i'm not even pretty to start with. i have zits, blackheads, whiteheads, and i have oily skin. but i must say, it's quite clear and im really happy about it. i stick to my regular skin routine and take vitamins, and i'm really pleased with my imperfect skin.

came junior year in college. i started having hard little bumps all over my face. after  5 weeks of OJT, papules used my face as their official hideout. it's red between my brows, around my lips, and my cheeks. i said, it's time to get professional help.

i visited a dermatologist. he's quite well known in the city, have  very good feedbacks, and very satisfied clients. he gave me new skin routine. after month, my skin turned red, and papules are screaming out of my face.

he gave me oral medication. he said continue the routine and come back after  a month.  i  did  returned  to his clinic. i was not happy, as if i'm getting worse.

he gave me a new oral medication and changed my skin routine to much stronger formulation.

it was so hard for me to accept that i'm not getting better. with all the costs that was spent, i felt so sad.

my skin got worse. it's hot, like pulsating.  i really don't know how to explain the feeling. if you experienced it, you may understand.

the doctor recommended me to undergo chemical peel. he said  he really want to  treat acne form within. but since we both want to see improvement in my skin. so, i did have chemical peel. once every two weeks. i think i had 8 chemical peels.

due to class schedules, i wasn't able to go to my dermatologist in a regular basis, but i still try to  visit, maybe once in a couple of months and he just do the same "writing a prescription" for all tetracyclines there is.

one time, i was writing on the registration list when i heard the receptionists whispering to each other, talking about me.

one said i'm ugly. the  other said that i've been in the clinic too long and i wasn't getting  any better.

the moment i stepped on the doctor's office, i let go of all the tears in my eyes. he said he understands me. i was so frustrated. i wasnt getting any better and people i don't even know... don't even care to talk about me in my face.

i religiously obliged to everything he said without complains. i trusted my doctor despite all costs. my mom's loan went to all my medications and treatments, and i'm still not getting any better.

he said "you'll get better."

in my mind... i believe so too. i just want to know how? after all  the treatments and "negative" improvements? furthermore, i know it'll cost us a fortune.

it makes me feel like i have a disease, like cancer of some sort.

he recommended me to an internist  for  a blood test. i passed. i went back to my dermatologist and he gave me another prescription, now for accutane.

the moment i had this super expensive medicine, i felt like i was handed with panacea for my "disease."  

i had hope.

i finished 5boxes of accutane when i felt dryness. my face stopped its oil production. so with the rest of my body.

the doctor lowered the dosage to twice a day. then, so unexpectant of me, acne came back. they were huge. my face got swollen in areas with pimples.

it was really hard for me. i wear a mask to classes. i can't help but cry every night.

i decided to give my skin a break. away from everything.

i spent my 5th year with acne. i went to class with mask.

i woke up one day and asked my mom if i can consult another doctor. she looked back at me with pity and agreed. the moment she left for work, i cried...again.

the dermatologist was my dermatologist back when i was in high school, and charges much more than my previous dermatologist. i told her my history, all products i used, medications i took, and  treatments i've been through.

she warned me that it'll be costly. i agreed to the expense. as if i have any other choice.

acne surgeries were hard. it hurts and has long down time. my face swells every after surgery, and peels  for 3 days.

i said to her that i want a manageable skin for my graduation. i want to feel proud for myself during my graduation. she said, i gave her enough time. again, i felt that there is hope.

After 8 acne surgery and more medications, she said i was getting better... even though the mirror tells me otherwise. still i gave a  smile when i heard i was getting  better.

i planted that to my mind... i'm getting better.  i kept holding on to this hope that i found.

just a day before graduation, i rushed to my dermatologist's clinic. then i cried. she was surprised. it seems like it was my first day with her. my face looked red and swollen.

she listened to my frustrations and accepted that we failed our goal for my graduation. we failed.

she  said to put make-up.

 again? 

make-up?

the dermatologist wanted me to cover up.

i know all the wonders that make-up can do...but it won't cure me from acne.

i felt defeated...

Graduation day and i felt small as ever.

i had make-up.

 people looked at me looking like"what happened to you?"

i stayed home after graduation. i can't even send application for work.

i stayed home  for months. no celebration for me. nothing.

my mom's aunt visited me one day. she said she consulted a "witchdoctor" for me.  she handed me a bottle of water and said to spalsh it in my face after wash.

it may  sound weird. but what the h*ll. what else will i lose?

i used this "sacred water." it dried my pimples after a week! the swell was gone. then a  week after, pimples came back.

i wasn't surprised. i was even thankful for that one week. and my face didn't swell again.

now, i still stay at home. i still have acne. i can see my red pimples 3 ft away from the mirror.

i've been sad for the longest time.

we do not have money for any more treatments or expensive medicine. i just continued taking my vitamin C.

you might think i'm over reacting on this acne situation. maybe i am. i don't know. but what i know, it's not about acne anymore. it's my confidence that was taken away from me.

i never dream of looking like barbie or have a perfect skin, i just want to  be happy and enjoy my life.

thank you for reading my lengthy blog. i know... it's long.

sincerely i appreciate it that you read it. it makes  me feel that someone actually listens to  me.

again, thank you... from the bottom of my heart.

 Now,
Im still on the same battle…6 years and fighting…
 

As of june 2013